my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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