He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
