I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
