we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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