Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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