I have demons in me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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