If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
