Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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