Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
