Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
