Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
