conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
