Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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