We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
