I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
