There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
