Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
