I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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