ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
