so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
