don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My vagina just clenched in fear
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
