just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
