I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
