so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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