VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
