U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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