Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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