there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
