I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
