I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
