Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
