Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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