Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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