Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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