got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
