Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
