To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
