we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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