Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
