I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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