i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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