That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
