I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
