You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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