soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
