Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dignity is for republicans.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
why is half of my head shaved?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
