I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
babies were throwing up all over the place
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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