Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
