i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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