she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
