Duck Duck Cougar?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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