It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
