Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
