He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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